if you get something too easily, like winning the lottery, do you really enjoy it rather than having earned it by yourself?
I don't want to win the lottery, but i would like a job, or to be published, or just doing something which I enjoy- it's not about the money it's about living, it's about feeling like you're alive, like you make an impact on the world, on the people around you and the new ones you meet.
I have the education I have the experience i have the interests, but maybe I simply don't have the -umpf! I've lost the umpf! on the way. I have a feeling it might not come back.
What would get it back? Encouragement? A break? Someone to point me in the right direction-someone to tell me that all of my hard work and anxiety will eventually pay off. Or are my ambitions too high? Am i trying to reach the top before even reaching the bottom? Maybe I've already decided what to do, but the is still so much more that I want to do that I can't seem to settle.
Or should i run away? Go sit on an island far far away, stop reading the news, stop contacting friends, skip weddings, birthdays, holidays and simply live in my cocoon. I can do it. But would it solve anything? Would it make me feel better? Would it make the people around me feel better? Should I forget about my dreams, my ambitions, what i've been striving for for years and simply be? Should I simply push all my negative thoughts and my struggles into a closet and think if they're meant to happen they will happen. Or should I continue on and just hope that my day will eventually come if I work hard enough. Not by winning the lottery or by a contact offering me a job but because it is something which i really want to do and because it is something in which I have fought for.
